i'm a bit tired. really tired. in fact, i suspect i will be posting a new post the moment i wake up tomorrow morning so that this one will vanish to the uncharted depths of my list of past posts.
blip.
sleep deprivation does strange things. for instance, i am about to show a small excerpt from an anonymous story of mine. i need, uh, feedback (my English 102 teacher hated this word and i feel immensely guilty using it).
I barely glanced at the shop’s name as I pushed the door open and marched inside. The waft of cool air steeled me for the coming conversation.
The blonde behind the counter started talking before she looked up. “Can I help you?” She turned to flash me a smile, but her expression froze when she realized who I was.
“Yes. I need a job application,” I replied sweetly.
The smile dripped off her face like warm ice cream. “Of course.” Her frosty tone made me smile wickedly: so appropriate in Cold Stone Creamery.
“Thank you,” I purred.
She fished out some papers from behind the counter and slid them over to me. “Can I get you anything to eat while you fill those out?” she asked, clearly trying to salvage a sale.
“No thanks. I think I’ll fill these out at home and bring them in later.”
“Have a good day.” The words had never sounded less sincere.
“Thank you.” I beamed, readjusting my bag—which now held the application—and swept out of the little shop.
First item on my summer to do list: obtain a job at Cold Stone where Jenna Roberts worked. Check.
okay, so, first impressions? are you remotely intrigued/curious? would you read onward? or do i despereately need to read that copy of The First Five Pages that is sitting on my headboard?
Yep. I'm intrigued. Why is it so important to get a job where Jenna Roberts works??? I must know.
ReplyDeleteSo many wonderful things here. All the ice-creamy descriptions IN AN ICE CREAM SHOP. Too cool. I LOVED the smile dripping off her face like warm ice cream.
The other awesome thing you did here was create tension. All of the dialogue gives us this feeling of barely hidden animosity. WHY DO THEY HATE EACH OTHER??? As you know from WRITING THE BREAKOUT NOVEL, tension creates questions and propels your reader.
Bravo. Love it. Show me more :)
i'm with Molly -- loved the set up, loved the description, and i definitely want to know why Jenna Roberts is important.
ReplyDeleteone thing that caught my eye tho: The waft of cool air steeled me for the coming conversation."
cool air "steeling" you for something just sounds a little off to me. it doesn't read as smoothly as "The smile dripped off her face like warm ice cream."
hehe that is an EXCELLENT line.
oh my gosh, THANK YOU SO MUCH!! you are both too sweet!!!!
ReplyDeleteMolly--(i'm glad you didn't think the ice creamy descriptions were over-done. i was a little worried.)
i would love to show you more...but i'm not very far in writing it, lol. this story is going to be my summer writing project.
Tahereh--i was having problems with that one line. it didn't say quite what i wanted. i'll tackle it again!
thank you both so much again! what wonderful comments to wake up to : )
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